You know what you want to change. You understand why, you’ve read about it, people have given you advice. And yet nothing sticks. It isn’t a lack of willpower: you may simply be missing a capability you haven’t yet had the chance to develop.
Taking time for yourself. Saying no without justifying yourself. Letting go of what isn’t in your control. You try, it works for a day or two, then everyday life takes over again and you slip back into your old ways. Often with a little voice telling you that you didn’t try hard enough.
In my coaching, I start from a simple idea: when a change feels impossible or exhausting, insights and good advice aren’t enough. You need to develop new capabilities. Not to pull off the change once, but to become able to live it, and to make it last.
Your current capabilities are built for your current life
Let’s start with what already works for you. Over the years, you’ve developed a whole set of capabilities. You practise them every day, so much so that they’ve become second nature: they’re part of who you are. Being available, anticipating, keeping your commitments, juggling several things at once… These are real strengths, and you can be proud of them.
But these capabilities were built for the way you function today. They’re perfectly suited to the life you lead now. The change you’re hoping for asks something else of you. So when you try to change by relying on those same capabilities, things get stuck. It’s a bit like trying to head somewhere new with a compass set to keep you where you are.
Why willpower isn’t enough
Picture someone who does everything at full speed. They juggle a thousand things, never drop a ball, never waste a minute. And they’re proud of it, rightly so. Yet deep down, they long for something else: a few calm moments in their day, moments of real peace, with room to breathe.
So they try. They sit down, they settle. But very quickly, their usual way of functioning kicks back in: an idea, a task, something urgent. The calm doesn’t last. They haven’t failed. It’s simply that nobody becomes able to be calm at the push of a button.
That’s why I like to say that a goal isn’t reached just by deciding on it. First, you have to build what lies underneath and will make it possible.
Developing the capabilities that make change possible
For this person, two capabilities could change everything. The first: allowing their body to operate at a slower pace. As long as the body stays in high gear, calm remains out of reach. As it learns to slow down, moments of space and quiet start to appear on their own.
The second: being able to let possibilities go and stay with just one. Staying in a calm moment means choosing that moment and, for a while, giving up everything else. Until you know how to let go, you can’t really settle into it.
These capabilities develop like muscles: through small, regular practices, tailored to each person. Little by little, change no longer takes constant effort. It becomes a new way of being, added to everything you already know how to do. Less suffering, less wasted energy, and a wider range of possibilities.
In closing
If you’re facing a change that resists you, here are three ideas.
First, take the time to recognise your current strengths. Your current capabilities aren’t the problem: they’ve brought you this far.
Next, ask yourself which one or two capabilities would allow you, not to make this change, but to become able to live it.
Finally, choose a small practice, simple and regular, to start developing that capability. Over time, you may be surprised by what it makes possible.
And if you’d like support to identify these capabilities and find the practices that suit you, that’s exactly what the exploration session is for.
This article is inspired by the video “Why New Capabilities Are Required to Sustain Change” by Integral Coaching Canada: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dWg6YXA55dg
